Hi everyone! I want to let everyone know I am here...to stay. I will not let myself down anymore. I have not posted on here for numerous reasons, the main reason being my not being on program. The last month and half have been a bit crazy. I think I need to back up a little.
In June of this year, my husband received orders to Virginia. At the time we lived in Kodiak, Alaska. We had lived there for 10 years. This is a very long time in one place for a military family. It is home. Our whole life was there. Right before we left I had to put my best buddy Reese, (he was a poodle/pom mix dog) who was 14 years old and very ill to sleep. It was the hardest thing I have had to do. But we went on. Well, we packed up and moved on. On the way to Virginia, we stopped for vacation in Missouri. It did not turn out to be much of a vacation. With in two days of being there my grandma passed away. Then 5 days after that my husband Jay's, grandpa passed away. We knew due to their ages and illnesses that this was going to happen very soon, but you are never truly prepared to lose those you love dearly. We left Missouri to start our new adventure in Virginia and 10 days later we received a call that my husband's mom passed away. WOW...is an understatement. She was only 56 and loved life. It was not expected. We had just seen her and made plans to do things now that we were in the lower 48 states. A major loss. When all of the chaos finally subsided we headed back to Virginia one more time. My boys started a new school that was triple the size of what they were used to. I started attending college to complete my Bachelor's degree and Jay went to a new job commuting 100 miles a day. Life became a blur. I started my blog and talking to Jimmy Moore because the light did come on for me. I wanted to live a long healthy life. I was excited and pumped up. Then the next phone call came in .... My other grandma passed away. Yes, she was old, and no, it was not quite a shock. But everything sort of hit me all at once. I lost my dog of 14 years that I picked out the day after he was born, both my grandmas, Jay's grandpa, and my really cool mother in law. (no lie, she was very cool), And we moved to a crazy busseling city that none of us were prepared for. Our whole entire existence changed. I have been in major depression mode. Which for me also means major eating of bad food mode. I hit an all time low. I suffer with depression/anxiety anyway but can usually control it with meds and therapy. I lost it. And sometimes am still losing it. Fast forward to this weekend...
As a military family, Busch Gardens gives 4 free admission tickets every year. My family went this weekend with my mom and my son's new girlfriend. It was fun but yet another eyeopener. I could not ride on most of the rides, I couldn't keep up with husband and the kids so my mom and I made the excuse we wanted to shop while they ran around to all the rides. About halfway through the adventure, my knees ached, my feet were killing me and if I walked too far at one time I could not breath. That was it. Between going crazy over our losses and then not being able to enjoy a fun trip with my kids and husband I have lost my mind.
Now.... I tell you all of this, not for pity, I don't ever want that. I tell you all of this to explain what is now going on in my head.
It hit me, through all of this crazy jumbled mess, that this is life. Plain and simple, life. Good and bad, it's life. I keep putting off life by staying heavy. Eating is my solace to pain yet it causes me tremendous pain. Whether I eat the junk or not, life and death, will still go on around me. I can not control everything although I want to. What I can control I throw away. And everytime I stuff myself I am killing myself. I do not honor those loves in my life that our family just lost. I am a junkie. It may sound stupid to some. But my drug is food. Or more precisely carbohydrates and sugar. I have tried to hide myself behind this food and weight for far to long. The main thing I have learned is that everyday is a blessing. Life is far to short to throw it away for cake, junk food, and obsession. Iwant to be healthy and vibrant. Not fat, depressed, and angry all the time.
So I am here again to start...again. I can do this, but it will take time. For me its not just about food, its about addiction. And I will start again everyday. Every morning. Every minute of everyday.
Tomorrow morning is my day 1 on Atkins. It may have been my 100th first day of Atkins, but it will be my last first day of Atkins. This is my life now.